A Bump in the Road

I hit my first serious bump in the road since Bill passed.

In a two week period I had four friends in the hospital, another who passed, and another whose daughter passed. It hit me harder than I thought possible. I started dwelling on “Who would be there for me if I got sick?”

I know the friends I have made here would help. But I would have a very hard time asking them to. I don’t know if I am too proud, or I don’t like to burden people. I just know I would feel awkward.

I know my children would hop on a plane and be here as soon as possible. But they have lives and jobs.

I felt frighteningly alone. I started wondering if I should move closer to the children. But I am happy here. The weather is great most of the year. I can get outside every day and there is so much to do and so many people I like. But friends are not family.

One way in which Bill and I were total opposites is that he made decisions instantly. I need time to process. I was a computer programmer. I try to look for all contingencies and weigh the advantages and disadvantages. At times, it can make it difficult to make a decision. I get frozen. I got a bit depressed.

For two weeks I found it difficult to move forward. I found all sorts of excuses to not make it down to the pickleball or tennis courts. And dragging myself to the gym? Only when I had an appointment with the trainer. Paperwork and bills piled up. I got to only the things that had to be done now. Everything else got put into the “to do” box.

One positive thing did come out of it though. Bill was always the one to make the phone calls. He would call a sick friend every day. I have a bit of a phobia about making calls. I only do it when I have to. But I found myself calling and emailing my friends. Not as often as Bill would have, but a couple of times a week. I feel really good about that.

Then I went to visit my son and his family for the weekend. My granddaughter turned five and I was there for her birthday. I had a wonderful time. But I did express my newly emerged fear. So David and I went and looked at a development similar to the one I currently live in. It was nice, but smaller and more expensive. Probably 75% more. But I really don’t need such a big house.

Now I am home, and my friends are on the mend. But I believe the biggest impact was made by something my friend Faye said just the other day. She used to be a grief counselor and she advised me to give myself permission to have some bad times. That hit a nerve. I was angry with myself for giving in to my feelings. But that’s wrong. It’s okay for a while.

But that time has now passed and I am felling back to myself. I played pickleball and tennis yesterday and pickleball this morning. That felt really good. I’m still not sure about what I will do in the future, but there is no hurry to make a decision. For now, I am happy here.

Back from vacation

I am so glad I decided to continue with the trip to Europe after Bill passed. It was a wonderful, if extremely exhausting trip. Charlie and Maria were wonderful travelling companions, giving me both space and support.

Globus had an option to match up singles to avoid the single supplement. The insurance covered the price so I never considered it. And now I am sure I would never take any tour up on it. Imagine two women trying to share a bathroom and get out by 7:00am. It would be hard enough with a close friend or relative, but a stranger? No thanks. I’d rather not go if I have no one to go with and can’t afford the supplement. I met several other singles on the trip. The only ones sharing a room were sisters or close friends. Everyone, singles and couples alike, was pleasant to be with. And everyone was on time!

The flights going took 25 hours from liftoff of the first leg. We got to the hotel Saturday afternoon. But I had been up for over 30 hours by then. We had Saturday evening and Sunday in Budapest and then had to have our bags out in the hall by 7:00am on Monday. And it went on like that for the entire trip. We got to see a lot – four countries, but very little time in each.

It was not physically easy handling everything by myself. The bus tour limited the luggage to one normal suitcase and one small hand piece. No 22” carry-on. So I brought a 30” suitcase and a canvas bag plus a backpack for emergency items. I had no wheels to help me carry my carry-on through the plane changes. The plane change at Heathrow included a bus, a train, an elevator, an escalator and half a mile of walking. But going was the easy transfer. Coming home was a nightmare. The security lines were unclear so you could easily think you were on a short line and have 20 people in front of you. The travelers seemed to be unprepared. One had a large bottle that had to be confiscated while we waited as she argued. Another had three bags of small bottles. They stopped her and made her consolidate while we waited. Then, virtually every one in front of me set off the security alarm as they went through the machine. Instead of taking the person aside and having another agent check them out, we waited as the agent patted them down and ran the hand wand over the body. I had a two-hour layover but they were already loading my flight when I got there. That’s without stopping for a drink or a bathroom, or anything else. It just took two hours.

Bill used to handle the currency. And the tipping. I had no difficulty being prepared: had passport and tickets ready when needed; had the name of the hotel in hand; packed in time. I read the travel booklet, and took Charlie’s advice, and got some currency for each country we would be visiting. And I was prepared with a credit card that did not charge for conversions and a debit card for using an ATM. But Bill is the one who would know how much we needed. And the tipping? Are tips for the hotel staff included? The recommended tips for the guides were in the book, but it was new to me.

The luggage was handled by the tour group to and from the bus and hotel room throughout. But even once in the room, there wasn’t enough time to unpack and lifting the 30”, 45 lb. bag was too difficult. So I pushed it over and left it on the floor and got down on my hands and knees to find what I needed. Packing everything up in the morning was a bit easier than when I traveled with Bill in that I didn’t have to wait for him to finish in the bathroom before packing the toiletries.

I felt Bill’s absence very strongly when I saw a couple walking ahead of me holding hands. We had done that a lot when we traveled.

I chose to go on every excursion offered. I would not do that again. When Bill and I traveled, he would research the stops and figure out what he wanted to see. He would show me the guide books and ask me to pick what I wanted. If, between us, we chose more than we could handle, we agreed on the ones to eliminate. I had often felt we were missing something doing it that way. One time we got to a site as it was closing because we were not aware of the hours it was open. Well, now I know. Although we did not get stuck being brought to a souvenir shop for an hour as has happened on other trips, some of the excursions were definitely designed for tourists. That’s not what I was looking for. And too many churches. I’ve traveled enough to have seen churches over most of the world.

I really missed Bill’s research and enthusiasm for the things he wanted to see. One thing I did get to do, that we might have missed, was stand in the square in Austria where Hitler gave his speech. It gave me chills.

The guides, both the tour guide and the local guides were wonderful. They were knowledgeable and adaptable to changes.

Those sites that we did get to see brought history to life. I was not a good history student (Bill was), but seeing edifices as the guide explained the history of the area made me wish I could have done that before I took the courses in school. Of course the other side of that is I was too young to have appreciated it when I was studying it in school. Hearing the stories of how an area was run over time by Romans, Turks, Prussians, Russians, Germans and Austrians, and family monarchies made me acutely aware of how often Nationalism and Religion lead to war.

Traveling alone could be a problem. One woman fell and hurt herself badly enough that she and her husband had to curtail the trip. I am not sure how I could have handled that if I were by myself. One of the obstacles, quite literally, is the bathtubs. In all the hotels, we had a shower/bathtub combination. But it was a very high tub that we had to get into. And worse, get out of after showering when the tub was slippery.

At one of the stops, when the guide called to say we would be there shortly, the hotel said they could not accept us. The guide was able to make new arrangements. It once happened to me before. If you are not on a tour and this happens, I imagine it could be a huge problem.

We passed through a street market on our last day and I stopped and purchased an inexpensive little wheeled bag. Since I would no longer be on the bus, and the plane would allow it, that was probably the smartest thing I did. It was a huge help running through Heathrow.

I arrived home on Sunday night and it took until Thursday to be able to sleep through the night because of the time change.

To sum it up – I had a wonderful trip but would probably not do it this way again.

The good:

• They handle the luggage. I have been places where there was no elevator. I could not have brought the luggage up myself if that happened.
• You have local guides lined up. If you have to find one yourself it is more hit or miss with the quality and wastes valuable time finding one.
• Breakfast was included. We didn’t have to search for a place and again, waste time dealing with it.
• You get to see a lot.
• The transportation is easy. You get dropped off and picked up at the hotels and sites.
• Help in navigating your way (where to change money, restaurants, whether it is safe to drink the water, where to buy things).

The bad:

• Limits on how much time you can spend where you want to spend it.
• Having to get out of the hotel at a specific (early) time regardless of how tired you are.
• Stops that you are not interested in.
• Tourist traps (one of the included meals was terrible)
• In short: Too little time to see the things I really wanted to see and too much time in places I wasn’t interested in.

My next planned exciting trip is next summer – to the Galapagos with a girlfriend. I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Leaving on a jet plane

 I’m getting ready for a vacation trip

This is the first time I’ve had to do it by myself. So many little details that we use to share.

I leave Friday – Fly to Miami, change planes, fly to London, change planes, and fly to Budapest. I start out at 8:15am and arrive at my final destination 12:30 the next day. I’ll meet my friends in London since they are starting out in New Jersey. The tour is nine days by motor coach. We also considered a river cruise, but Bill was opposed to that because he felt there wouldn’t be enough to do in the little towns that the cruise stopped at. Maybe my next vacation.

What will the temperature be like? Looks like 50-75. Uh oh. That’s a wide range and means layers of clothes. The booklet says bus can only take one piece of luggage per person – no carry-on! I have to have all the toiletries in my bag so there is more stuff than you would think for half of a couple. There are some things in the booklet I never would have thought of – bring wash cloths, soap and laundry detergent. Huh? American hair blowers are a no-no. A universal adapter for electronics is essential. I’ll bring my iPad and iPhone. Calls are expensive, $1.29 – $1.49 per minute, but it is only for emergency. Texts are 50 cents outgoing, 5 cents incoming. If I can get Wi-Fi, I will email. The bus is supposed to have Wi-Fi, but only for browsing, not downloading. That may mean I can’t send or receive emails.

Put a hold on newspapers and mail. Arrange for car service.

Money! We are going to three countries. Bill always dealt with the currency. He knew what currency and when and where to get it. He also knew what credit card(s) could be used. I read that we could use euros. Great. I ran to the bank and ordered some euros. They came in the next day. Uh, oh. I spoke to my friend, Maria (one of my travel companions) and she pointed out that although they use euros in Austria, if they take euros in the Czech Republic and Hungary they will charge you extra. Back to the bank to order Hungarian and Czech money. I also got a credit card with no conversion fee. If I run out of currency, the plan is to use a debit card at an ATM.

Bill was the one to deal with the excursions. Now I have to see what is being offered, figure out how much it costs, talk to my friends to see if they want to go and decide whether to go myself if they don’t want to take the same excursion.

I always get very stressed when getting ready for a trip. Now I have no one to holler at but myself. I am making a mess trying to pack. I guess I always did. But I am surprised by the amount of the mess. I think of myself as very organized. I’ve taken out much too much and laid it out all over the place and expect to whittle it down. I bought some inexpensive clothes that should travel well and are comfortable. I plan to bring a light down jacket that can double as a pillow on the planes. They said to bring hats and gloves. Really?

I played tennis this morning but will take the rest of the week off from pickleball and tennis. I don’t want to risk injury. I’ve only started playing again a couple of weeks ago, but I see a big difference in just the couple of weeks. Enough so that I plan on getting a better racquet. I bought a $25 racquet just to see if I could get back into it.

I’m a little scared, but mostly excited. I will miss Bill. I already do. We enjoyed traveling together. At least most of the time. There were exceptions. But even before a trip, sharing the excitement and the plans was a huge part of the experience.

I don’t expect to post next week, and will probably be late the week after. But I’ll be back.

Thanks for following,

 

I haven’t lost any socks

You know all those petty arguments every married couple has? The ones where he blames her for X, and she blames him for Y? Well, I’m learning which of them were true in my relationship with Bill.

We had shared the responsibility over the years for doing the laundry. Bill started helping when I was working full-time out of the house and he was working at home. He has been doing the bulk of it over the last few years. And each and every time he did a laundry that included socks, at least one or two disappeared. Since I exercise most days, and wear good socks (Balega), it was annoying. They even got lost when I did the laundry so I never blamed Bill. But I have not lost a single sock since he passed! What on earth was he doing that we kept losing them?

 

Bill would frequently chastise me for leaving lights on. I did. Sometimes it was intentional because my eyes are weak and I need a lot of light. I just paid the July electric bill. It was 1/3 less than last July.

Bill and I shared a queen-sized bed, but we each had our own blanket. That’s because Bill accused me of taking the whole blanket during the night. I checked the blanket when I awoke this morning. His side of the bed was intact. I suspect when we shared a blanket, one of us would tug a little and the other would tug to get that little bit back. Just a little harder. And back and forth until somebody “won.”

 

 

On the other hand, some things I blamed Bill for were apparently not his fault at all.

Every once in a while the ice dispenser on the refrigerator door would stop dispensing. I blamed Bill because he frequently left the refrigerator door open for long spells. I figured the ice would melt a bit during that time, then refreeze when the door was closed. Well, it just happened again and I can’t blame him for it.

And I have no one, except myself of course, to blame when I can’t find something that “somehow” got misplaced.

There are many little things that Bill did that I now have to develop a habit of doing. He was the one to fill up the gas tank on the car. He did it on his car and mine. He took care of all maintenance of the cars. Not physically, but he always knew when to bring it in, and for what.

Since I am going on a trip shortly, I purchased a new piece of 29” luggage over the internet. It arrived in a large box inside a larger box. Bill was always the one to break down boxes for recycling. He had seemed to enjoy it. I did it today and I can see the “fun” in it. It probably took me 3 times as long because he would stomp it into submission. I cut it into pieces.

Thanks for following,

“Ann”

Seeing Robin Williams

Having lived with Bill for 47 years, I can see how Robin could be so depressed as to commit suicide. And it is making me dwell on memories of Bill.

Bill was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I called it Bipolar lite. His manic episodes were less intense than someone with Bipolar disease, and his depression was not as deep. But they were there.

When Bill was diagnosed with cancer in November 2009, he talked about finding Dr. Kevorkian or moving to Washington, where assisted suicide was legal. He didn’t want to go through that. But he did get over it when the doctors at Sloan Kettering gave him much better odds than what he had read on the Internet, and went optimistically into treatment.

It was his mask of joy for life that makes me see how he and Robin were so much alike. Bill saw things differently than most people. I used to say he was wearing rose colored glasses. But it was more than that. Like Robin, he was one of the kindest people you could find. He would help anyone who needed it. Even when we were struggling financially, he would never pass a beggar without handing out some money.

Bill may not have been a professional funny man, but he was always telling jokes. They could be jokes he had heard and was able to embellish and repeat. Or, it could be something he made up on the spot in response to something someone said. Once in awhile it became a challenge to have a serious discussion because he kept turning everything into a joke. I often became his translator. His jokes could be off-the-wall, or he could be including a reference to something the listener had no knowledge of. In the last few years, he became an email jokester. One of his cousins actually created a file of the jokes Bill sent him.

He would go charging ahead towards anything that was new. He wanted experiences, not “things”. His gung-ho vision of life was similar to Robin’s mile-a-minute jokes. It was contagious. It was fun. It was exciting. Everyone around would jump on board. Everyone, that is, except me. Although, I would often wind up reluctantly joining him. Often, he would go charging off, not recognizing the potential problems. When he got into trouble, he would look to me to sort it out. We would joke that he had not noticed he was heading off a cliff, and then would have to call for me to get back up. Fortunately, it being Bipolar lite, the cliffs weren’t as steep as they could have been.

Life with Bill was exhausting. He could switch from manic to his form of depression in an instant. Depression does not necessarily mean sad. Bill tended to get angry. We once were almost prevented from getting on a plane because he was screaming at the gate attendant. He calmed down just in time. There was legitimate reason to be annoyed, the single check-in line had been disrupted by a large group checking in and we almost missed our flight. But screaming at the gate attendant who had nothing to do with it was his disease coming through.

Bill took meds. They helped. But they sometimes had side effects that could be intolerable. So he had to keep switching them. Some worked; some didn’t; some took weeks to take effect.

Alcohol abuse and a disregard for caution are also part of the disease. I think if Bill had not married at such a young age (21), he would have had a much rougher time of it. Being married to someone who most people describe as “sensible” helped keep his tendencies in check.

The love that poured out when Bill passed, was similar, in a much smaller way, to Robin’s passing. Friends came from all over the country for the funeral. The number of cards, baskets and flowers were overwhelming. I have not gotten rid of any of them yet because realizing how many people loved him keeps that wonderful, kind and joyful part of Bill alive for me.

Getting to know my adult children

My children are grown. They are all college graduates, from top colleges. Two have Masters degrees.

Ron is 43, married with two pre-teen daughters. He works as a manager in enterprise risk management and lives in the Midwest.

Dave is 41, married with two pre-schoolers. He works in marketing and lives in the northwest.

Sarah is 39 and single. She is a lesbian and active in the LGBT community. She has recently started her own consulting firm where she advises on education policy.

I have spent some time with each of them over the last few weeks and found it very different from when Bill was there with me.

Sarah is the most like Bill. We often referred to her as his clone. She has the same propensity to go her own path. She has faith that things will work out. I spent a week with her while she underwent some medical procedures as an outpatient. She and Bill had been very close and I was concerned she would not handle his passing well. But she has. We had a wonderful week. We really communicated. Having suffered a recent medical issue, she has become more practical about finances and the future. We enjoyed our time together very much. Whether it was sitting in a hospital waiting room, buying food in a health store, or dining in an upscale restaurant, we talked and mostly agreed on life. When Bill was with us, it often became a battle for her attention. He got so excited about her ventures that he peppered her with questions and suggestions and I felt excluded.

When I went to Dave’s house, I only had two days to enjoy with him and his family. And enjoy them I did. It was fun and relaxing at the same time. I joined Dave and 3-year old Ross at the Little Gym. We all went to the park. I babysat while Dave and Sharon went to a wedding. We brought in dinner, we ate out. It was busy, but relaxing. Dave and I had political conversations. He and Bill had appeared to be at total opposite ends of the political spectrum, whereas I feel I am independent. I feel that way because I agree with liberals on some issues and conservatives on others. It turned out, and this was a big surprise, Dave and I really agree on almost everything. Although he is conservative, he reads and analyzes the issues. He ignores both Fox and MSNBC. Same for me. I make up my own mind after reading the most independent analyses I can find. And joy of joys, soon-to-be five year old Suzy asked if grandma would come to her birthday party in September. Since I have only seen Ross and Suzy once or twice a year, I was thrilled.

I also had a wonderful time at Ron’s house. His girls were so much fun. They are wonderful young ladies. Edie is starting middle school and we went to school with her to watch her decorate her locker. We spent a few hours at the community pool. I taught the family how to play pickleball. We went to dinner with Ron’s in-laws. I spent time with my daughter-in-law, Amy. We were busy, but unhurried. If Bill had been with us, we would have been looking for more exciting things to do. But this was the perfect pace for me. As I was getting ready to leave, the kids asked if I was coming for Thanksgiving.

I feel so loved. I am looking into booking flights for Suzy’s birthday and Thanksgiving at Ron and Amy’s. My relationship with my children is different from when Bill was alive and we shared our time with them. Now, the things I have in common with them leap to the front. And calmness prevails.

What is it that I value?

I’ve just committed to a trip to the Galapagos Islands next year with my friend Sylvia. An enormous amount of emotion went into the decision.

My parents lived through the Great Depression. I learned at an early age to avoid spending frivolously. We were, I guess you would call it lower middle class. We always had a roof over our head, food on the table, and a car – purchased used. We would go out to eat at a local restaurant occasionally.  I didn’t own a bicycle, but we could rent one near the park. We got out of the city heat during the summer. Three families shared a “bungalow” with each family of four having its own bedroom. We shared the kitchen and a single bathroom.

After Bill and I married, and with both of us working, we had more discretionary income than my parents had. But we always looked for bargains. We didn’t know about luxury items for a really long time. We felt they were for rich people and had no real value.

Then, a few things happened.

1. We decided to splurge for our 40^th We were looking to take a cruise but wanted it to be special. My cousin suggested we try Crystal Cruise lines. It turned out they had an exciting itinerary for an 11 day cruise of the Baltics. We asked my cousin if we would feel out of place because we weren’t wealthy like the other passengers. He said that everyone was very nice. So we decided to go for it. What an experience!!! We arrived at the dock with our five pieces of luggage (including carry-on) and five men jumped out and each grabbed one bag and they magically appeared later in our cabin. We went straight through to check in – no line – and they treated us to a sit-down lunch, including free champagne. Service was incredible, always someone there. The excursions (for which we did pay extra) were outstanding. Great guides, small groups, no stopping at gift shops for an hour. There were some really unique (and too expensive for us) optional excursions like a ride in a MIG jet.

We’ve been on other cruise lines. We had to bring the bags on ourselves (they did transport them to the cabin), we stood in line for 30 minutes, and we could go to the buffet for lunch if we wanted. The excursions spent more time at gift shops than anything else. On one trip, we were eating at the buffet when Bill asked for coffee (that had to be served). The server went to the back and brought him a cup of coffee. Bill then asked for some cream. The server went back and got some cream. Then I said, “I would like some coffee too.” We laughed, but it wouldn’t happen on Crystal. Another time, we sat down in the smoking area because it was the only place we could find a seat. We waited a half hour for a glass of wine. Then somebody reached over and grabbed the ashtray off our table. We weren’t smoking, but they didn’t ask, just grabbed it. I never encountered rude people on Crystal.

2. The counter tops in our 45 year old kitchen were really falling apart. We decided to look into replacing them. We stopped at a neighborhood home improvement store, Royal Kitchens and asked how much it would cost. The price range sounded reasonable and we asked for references. The receptionist opened a drawer and said “How many would you like?” We asked for four and she pulled four out and gave us names and phone numbers. We called all four and they all invited us over to see the work. We went to the first two and were just blown away by the raves about the workmanship and integrity. They had major renovations rather than just a counter top. We asked the second one if she would mind telling us how much it had cost. On the way to the third reference we decided we wanted to do the entire kitchen and we had heard enough about this company that we wanted to do it through them. We never got to that third reference.

I have never been so happy or so proud of anything I owned as I was with that kitchen! They tore down everything and started from scratch – new lighting, new plumbing, new appliances, new tile floor, new door, they even created a pass-through to the dining room. The quality of the work was obvious from day one and I never had a problem for the next five years while I continued to live there. Two people looked at our house when we started looking into selling it. They both made offers. Other than the kitchen, the house was just an average house and it had not been fixed up to sell.

3. We bought a Lexus ES 330 in 2004. It was our first luxury car. But Bill had done very well the previous couple of years, and it turned out to cost only $3,000 more than the top-of-the-line Camry. So we decided to buy it.

I still have it. It has 136,000 miles on it and drives like a dream. We drove it cross country last year. An engineer friend and his wife, who are Camry loyalists, had teased us about spending so much when it was exactly the same as their Camry. That is, until we let them drive it. It is different.

I developed an appreciation of “You get what you pay for.”

Flash forward.

Bill and I had discussed going to the Galapagos with Sylvia and Larry a couple of years ago. But Bill didn’t really want to go and so we dropped it. At Bill’s funeral, Sylvia mentioned that she and Larry had never gone because Larry wasn’t really that interested. So why don’t we go? Wow!

We let a few weeks pass and decided we really wanted to do this. Sylvia and Larry had traveled extensively the last few years, mostly with an outfit called Vantage Travel and they loved it. So she was excited that they had a trip that was just what we wanted. I would have preferred a more upscale group. Sylvia enjoys dining out at local chain restaurants, I would like an occasional fancy restaurant. More for the ambiance than the food. I checked out Vantage on the internet and there were quite a few complaints. Not about the trips, but about customer service if something went wrong. But I looked at the price of the Tauk and Lindblad and Colette and decided it was not worth the difference in price. So, I said “Okay, let’s do it with Vantage.” Sylvia set up a 3-way conference call with Curt at Vantage travel. We were discussing dates and prices. The brochure said the airfare from Miami was $699 in June and listed dates of June 10 and June 17. But the internet, and Curt, also had a trip for June 24, at $200 less than those dates. But Curt insisted that the price of airfare for the June 24 trip was $899 because it wasn’t listed in the brochure. I said “Wait! I want more time to think about this!” It really, really bothered me that this could be such a schlock outfit. Sylvia thought I was ready to back out, whereas what I was really doing was reconsidering going with the less expensive group. I was determined to go before I was too old to handle the physical aspects of the trip. So I spent another couple of days, checking out Vantage, and comparing trips and prices. The more upscale trips would be more than double. And this was far from inexpensive.

Here was my conundrum: I was going to spend an awful lot of money for my trip, did I want to go with a group that would likely be missing the quality I had come to appreciate? In the end, I decided the trip was more important to me. But I know I will enjoy it because I made a conscious decision to do it this way and I won’t have any regrets. If I had felt pushed into it I would have risked resenting it.

I’m me, not half of “us”.

I’m just beginning to notice how other people see me. For 47 years, Bill’s outgoing and charming personality made him the center of attention wherever we went. When we were in the company of others, his enthusiasm for whatever he decided to support wound up being the path that we all followed.

When Bill was around, I faded into the background. If I objected to the decision, I was being negative. If I went along reluctantly, I was seen as the party pooper. I could sit quietly, frowning, the whole evening. Or, I could spend much of the evening snapping at him. Not always. There were many times I enjoyed myself. That unhappy woman only existed when she felt she had no control over anything.

But I wasn’t always with him. I had a career. And a pretty good one. It was my chance to shine. And it was something Bill respected. I think the respect I earned in the workplace has helped me enormously now.

Now, people who only saw me as half of Bill and Ann, are seeing the other side of me. One long-time friend was surprised to find that I am a positive and supportive person. For so many years, all they saw was my complaining about having to go along Bill’s choices. But his enthusiasm had gotten others to go along with him and I didn’t want to be a killjoy. People are surprised to see me as pro-active and able to deal with whatever life throws at me in a positive way.

My trip for August ran into a hurdle. I already had my flights booked. I mentioned it to my son just after I found out. He suggested I come out to see him and his family instead. What a great idea. Making lemonade out of lemons! I will book the new flights this week as soon as I get the prices and schedule figured out.

Another couple, who we stayed with during one of Bill’s month-long medical challenges expressed it very clearly when they realized the extent to which I suppressed my own desires when I was with Bill. They told me, “You are an angel!”

I’m not surprised at my ability to make decisions and deal with things. But I am surprised at the degree of assertiveness I have found the strength to express. I still don’t always know what it is what I want, but when I do, I don’t want to fade into the background.

I am making decisions I absolutely know Bill would not agree with. He might even have gotten angry with me. But I am confident most of the time. And when I am not, I run it by people I respect, but in the end, I make my own decision.

Facing fear

I arrived in NY Wednesday night. By the time we got to my daughter’s house it was nearing midnight. But I couldn’t go right to sleep, so I read my email.

Surprise! There was a message from my friends that I was going to Europe with. They had sold their house unexpectedly (it was up for sale, but real estate is not selling well in their area right now) and they had to be out by the end of September. They’ve been living in the house for nearly 40 years and there is no way they could go on the trip. They would be nervous wrecks and would not have enough time to pack. Would I consider going in April instead?

I was disappointed, but decided to sleep on it before responding. When I awoke, my feelings about it were crystal clear. I didn’t want to postpone it. I would go by myself! The trip is by motor coach, run by Globus. Bill and I had taken a trip though Asia with Globus for our 25th anniversary. There was no reason I couldn’t go alone. So I emailed Maria back and said I was going anyway! I am thrilled that the decision came so easily because I had expected myself to be scared out of my mind.

I thought back to that trip through Asia. I remember two women, each traveling alone. One was 22, the other was 82. Bill and I were in our 40’s and the rest of the group was in their 60’s or early 70’s. The 22 year old was from Puerto Rico and had a full mouth of silver braces. I remember that because on the Great Wall, Chinese people were stopping her to take her picture. The 82 year old, Jane, was from Australia and used a walking stick. At one point, Bill and I picked a side trip that Jane wanted to do as well, but no one else. The guide would not allow Jane to go because it was too difficult. Bill volunteered that we would take care of her. But the guide rejected that saying it was our vacation and he could not allow us to spend our time taking care of her. That was his responsibility. But if these women could do it, so could I.

Most of the time the activities were group oriented. But there definitely were times Bill and I were off on our own. I remember walking through the streets of Singapore and Hong Kong. In Thailand, we left the group to visit a temple on our own. And there were times when the two of us dined alone. I have dined alone when I traveled on business, but never in a foreign country where I might not be able to understand the menu. I was not sure how I would handle those days. Maybe I could hook up with others, maybe singles, maybe couples. Maybe I would find myself brave enough to go by myself.

And then, what is the worst case? I could sit in the hotel and read a book. And since most of the meals are included, if I skipped a meal now and then, it wouldn’t kill me. I could even bring some protein bars just in case. I didn’t think it was likely, but facing the worst case scenario, and coming up with a way to deal with it, removed the anxiety.

Having just moved after many years in the same house, I suggested they consider having the movers pack the bulk of their belongings. It’s a pain at the other end because you it’s harder to find things. But boy does it save a lot of stress, especially when time is of the essence.

Maria contacted the travel agent. Once they found out the cost of changing their arrangements, they decided not to cancel. I’m glad to have my travel companions back, and glad to have had the chance to know I was confident enough to go on my own.

Loneliness can be liberating.

I had never been on my own. I went to a commuter college – meaning I lived with my parents and took buses to school, just like high school. It’s where I met Bill. By the time I graduated, we were “serious” about each other and although it would be nearly two years until we married, we each lived with our parents until the wedding. We were young. I graduated college at 20, Bill at 19.

My father was the dominant personality in my early life, as was Bill once we married. If I wanted to go out for Italian food, and Bill wanted Sushi, we went to a Sushi restaurant and I ate Chicken Teriyaki. If I wanted to go to a beach on vacation, and he wanted to go driving through national parks, we drove through national parks. It was not worth the nastiness I would have to deal with if I insisted and he had a bad time. We didn’t go if I did NOT want to go. But I rarely got my first choice because he tended to rate things as 1-2, or 9-10 on a scale of 1 to 10 so he either REALLY WANTED IT or REALLY DIDN’T WANT IT. I see most things as 4-5-6 so if he hated my preference, we didn’t go. Whereas I rarely hated his first choice.

This week was busy. My son came in from Illinois so we could go over some financial issues. I am not afraid to make the decisions on my own but I have been warned by everyone I know who has been in this position to not make any major decisions for at least a year. But Bill had a business that has to be addressed. So Ron and I went to a lawyer, recommended by a friend, and to the financial planners we had been using. I say “we”, but Bill had been doing most of the talking previously, although he would not make any major financial decisions without my agreement – however reluctant. So I felt a sounding board that I trusted would be a prudent approach. Ron and I went out for some fun every day when we finished our business, so it wasn’t just going over stuff.

It was special to be alone with my son. He and I are very much alike. It was a bit strange, too. Bill was always the one who want to go places and do things. Ron and I would be content to sit home. But we found ourselves downtown seeing shows and eating out. Maybe it was partially to honor Bill and the activity he brought to our lives. I have said many times that I fell in love with Bill because he made me get out of my easy chair. Now I have to drag myself out. But he taught me how.

Ron and I had a lot of time to talk about Bill and what it was like to live with him. He was extremely kind and helpful to everyone he met. He was funny and almost always left people smiling. But he could also be extremely domineering and opinionated with the family. He saw the world differently than most people and would often march forward on some path that only he could see. And he would get angry if we didn’t follow him. Dealing with him could be challenging. That’s putting it mildly. Many people tell me I am the most reasonable person they know. We balanced each other. I kept him somewhat grounded and he got me to take risks that I would never have taken on my own.

Ron left Friday (July 4) morning and I had a pool party to go to in the afternoon. That was my first epiphany. Bill did not enjoy swimming. He could do it, but didn’t enjoy it. I was a pretty good swimmer when I was young, but since Bill didn’t enjoy it, I rarely had opportunity. And he REALLY didn’t like sitting around making small talk. I do. And the 100 degree temperature would not make it better. Well, that’s what the pool is for. But this was different. I didn’t have to worry about whether he would have a good time. I could go and enjoy myself. And I did.

We had both worked all our lives until very recently. So weekends were “our time.” We didn’t do things separately on weekends. At least, very rarely. And only if the weekend was the only time available for the activity. But they play pickleball here on Saturday. It dawned on me that I could go play today. So I did. It felt strange, but it hit me how much my life had been constricted by Bill’s needs all these years.

I have three trips planned over the next few months. The first is to visit my daughter in New York. Bill would have been with me on that one. Then I will stay with friends on their boat for a few days. Even though they had invited both of us, I’m not sure Bill would have wanted to go. He didn’t like sitting around so I have a feeling committing to be on a boat for a few days might have frightened him. Bill and I had scheduled a trip to Europe for the fall. We were going with long-time friends. Rather than back out of the trip, I am going and really looking forward to it. I can see what I want to see, and not have to worry about getting annoying looks and comments for staying too long at something he wasn’t interested in. And I don’t have to spend a long time doing or seeing something I am not interested in. Yes, I will still have to compromise with my friends’ interests, but Bill had such strong and unique preferences it was harder to get consensus.

I feel lonely and liberated at the same time.