Loneliness can be liberating.

I had never been on my own. I went to a commuter college – meaning I lived with my parents and took buses to school, just like high school. It’s where I met Bill. By the time I graduated, we were “serious” about each other and although it would be nearly two years until we married, we each lived with our parents until the wedding. We were young. I graduated college at 20, Bill at 19.

My father was the dominant personality in my early life, as was Bill once we married. If I wanted to go out for Italian food, and Bill wanted Sushi, we went to a Sushi restaurant and I ate Chicken Teriyaki. If I wanted to go to a beach on vacation, and he wanted to go driving through national parks, we drove through national parks. It was not worth the nastiness I would have to deal with if I insisted and he had a bad time. We didn’t go if I did NOT want to go. But I rarely got my first choice because he tended to rate things as 1-2, or 9-10 on a scale of 1 to 10 so he either REALLY WANTED IT or REALLY DIDN’T WANT IT. I see most things as 4-5-6 so if he hated my preference, we didn’t go. Whereas I rarely hated his first choice.

This week was busy. My son came in from Illinois so we could go over some financial issues. I am not afraid to make the decisions on my own but I have been warned by everyone I know who has been in this position to not make any major decisions for at least a year. But Bill had a business that has to be addressed. So Ron and I went to a lawyer, recommended by a friend, and to the financial planners we had been using. I say “we”, but Bill had been doing most of the talking previously, although he would not make any major financial decisions without my agreement – however reluctant. So I felt a sounding board that I trusted would be a prudent approach. Ron and I went out for some fun every day when we finished our business, so it wasn’t just going over stuff.

It was special to be alone with my son. He and I are very much alike. It was a bit strange, too. Bill was always the one who want to go places and do things. Ron and I would be content to sit home. But we found ourselves downtown seeing shows and eating out. Maybe it was partially to honor Bill and the activity he brought to our lives. I have said many times that I fell in love with Bill because he made me get out of my easy chair. Now I have to drag myself out. But he taught me how.

Ron and I had a lot of time to talk about Bill and what it was like to live with him. He was extremely kind and helpful to everyone he met. He was funny and almost always left people smiling. But he could also be extremely domineering and opinionated with the family. He saw the world differently than most people and would often march forward on some path that only he could see. And he would get angry if we didn’t follow him. Dealing with him could be challenging. That’s putting it mildly. Many people tell me I am the most reasonable person they know. We balanced each other. I kept him somewhat grounded and he got me to take risks that I would never have taken on my own.

Ron left Friday (July 4) morning and I had a pool party to go to in the afternoon. That was my first epiphany. Bill did not enjoy swimming. He could do it, but didn’t enjoy it. I was a pretty good swimmer when I was young, but since Bill didn’t enjoy it, I rarely had opportunity. And he REALLY didn’t like sitting around making small talk. I do. And the 100 degree temperature would not make it better. Well, that’s what the pool is for. But this was different. I didn’t have to worry about whether he would have a good time. I could go and enjoy myself. And I did.

We had both worked all our lives until very recently. So weekends were “our time.” We didn’t do things separately on weekends. At least, very rarely. And only if the weekend was the only time available for the activity. But they play pickleball here on Saturday. It dawned on me that I could go play today. So I did. It felt strange, but it hit me how much my life had been constricted by Bill’s needs all these years.

I have three trips planned over the next few months. The first is to visit my daughter in New York. Bill would have been with me on that one. Then I will stay with friends on their boat for a few days. Even though they had invited both of us, I’m not sure Bill would have wanted to go. He didn’t like sitting around so I have a feeling committing to be on a boat for a few days might have frightened him. Bill and I had scheduled a trip to Europe for the fall. We were going with long-time friends. Rather than back out of the trip, I am going and really looking forward to it. I can see what I want to see, and not have to worry about getting annoying looks and comments for staying too long at something he wasn’t interested in. And I don’t have to spend a long time doing or seeing something I am not interested in. Yes, I will still have to compromise with my friends’ interests, but Bill had such strong and unique preferences it was harder to get consensus.

I feel lonely and liberated at the same time.