I’m just beginning to notice how other people see me. For 47 years, Bill’s outgoing and charming personality made him the center of attention wherever we went. When we were in the company of others, his enthusiasm for whatever he decided to support wound up being the path that we all followed.
When Bill was around, I faded into the background. If I objected to the decision, I was being negative. If I went along reluctantly, I was seen as the party pooper. I could sit quietly, frowning, the whole evening. Or, I could spend much of the evening snapping at him. Not always. There were many times I enjoyed myself. That unhappy woman only existed when she felt she had no control over anything.
But I wasn’t always with him. I had a career. And a pretty good one. It was my chance to shine. And it was something Bill respected. I think the respect I earned in the workplace has helped me enormously now.
Now, people who only saw me as half of Bill and Ann, are seeing the other side of me. One long-time friend was surprised to find that I am a positive and supportive person. For so many years, all they saw was my complaining about having to go along Bill’s choices. But his enthusiasm had gotten others to go along with him and I didn’t want to be a killjoy. People are surprised to see me as pro-active and able to deal with whatever life throws at me in a positive way.
My trip for August ran into a hurdle. I already had my flights booked. I mentioned it to my son just after I found out. He suggested I come out to see him and his family instead. What a great idea. Making lemonade out of lemons! I will book the new flights this week as soon as I get the prices and schedule figured out.
Another couple, who we stayed with during one of Bill’s month-long medical challenges expressed it very clearly when they realized the extent to which I suppressed my own desires when I was with Bill. They told me, “You are an angel!”
I’m not surprised at my ability to make decisions and deal with things. But I am surprised at the degree of assertiveness I have found the strength to express. I still don’t always know what it is what I want, but when I do, I don’t want to fade into the background.
I am making decisions I absolutely know Bill would not agree with. He might even have gotten angry with me. But I am confident most of the time. And when I am not, I run it by people I respect, but in the end, I make my own decision.
suddenlysingle70 