Leaving on a jet plane

 I’m getting ready for a vacation trip

This is the first time I’ve had to do it by myself. So many little details that we use to share.

I leave Friday – Fly to Miami, change planes, fly to London, change planes, and fly to Budapest. I start out at 8:15am and arrive at my final destination 12:30 the next day. I’ll meet my friends in London since they are starting out in New Jersey. The tour is nine days by motor coach. We also considered a river cruise, but Bill was opposed to that because he felt there wouldn’t be enough to do in the little towns that the cruise stopped at. Maybe my next vacation.

What will the temperature be like? Looks like 50-75. Uh oh. That’s a wide range and means layers of clothes. The booklet says bus can only take one piece of luggage per person – no carry-on! I have to have all the toiletries in my bag so there is more stuff than you would think for half of a couple. There are some things in the booklet I never would have thought of – bring wash cloths, soap and laundry detergent. Huh? American hair blowers are a no-no. A universal adapter for electronics is essential. I’ll bring my iPad and iPhone. Calls are expensive, $1.29 – $1.49 per minute, but it is only for emergency. Texts are 50 cents outgoing, 5 cents incoming. If I can get Wi-Fi, I will email. The bus is supposed to have Wi-Fi, but only for browsing, not downloading. That may mean I can’t send or receive emails.

Put a hold on newspapers and mail. Arrange for car service.

Money! We are going to three countries. Bill always dealt with the currency. He knew what currency and when and where to get it. He also knew what credit card(s) could be used. I read that we could use euros. Great. I ran to the bank and ordered some euros. They came in the next day. Uh, oh. I spoke to my friend, Maria (one of my travel companions) and she pointed out that although they use euros in Austria, if they take euros in the Czech Republic and Hungary they will charge you extra. Back to the bank to order Hungarian and Czech money. I also got a credit card with no conversion fee. If I run out of currency, the plan is to use a debit card at an ATM.

Bill was the one to deal with the excursions. Now I have to see what is being offered, figure out how much it costs, talk to my friends to see if they want to go and decide whether to go myself if they don’t want to take the same excursion.

I always get very stressed when getting ready for a trip. Now I have no one to holler at but myself. I am making a mess trying to pack. I guess I always did. But I am surprised by the amount of the mess. I think of myself as very organized. I’ve taken out much too much and laid it out all over the place and expect to whittle it down. I bought some inexpensive clothes that should travel well and are comfortable. I plan to bring a light down jacket that can double as a pillow on the planes. They said to bring hats and gloves. Really?

I played tennis this morning but will take the rest of the week off from pickleball and tennis. I don’t want to risk injury. I’ve only started playing again a couple of weeks ago, but I see a big difference in just the couple of weeks. Enough so that I plan on getting a better racquet. I bought a $25 racquet just to see if I could get back into it.

I’m a little scared, but mostly excited. I will miss Bill. I already do. We enjoyed traveling together. At least most of the time. There were exceptions. But even before a trip, sharing the excitement and the plans was a huge part of the experience.

I don’t expect to post next week, and will probably be late the week after. But I’ll be back.

Thanks for following,

 

What is it that I value?

I’ve just committed to a trip to the Galapagos Islands next year with my friend Sylvia. An enormous amount of emotion went into the decision.

My parents lived through the Great Depression. I learned at an early age to avoid spending frivolously. We were, I guess you would call it lower middle class. We always had a roof over our head, food on the table, and a car – purchased used. We would go out to eat at a local restaurant occasionally.  I didn’t own a bicycle, but we could rent one near the park. We got out of the city heat during the summer. Three families shared a “bungalow” with each family of four having its own bedroom. We shared the kitchen and a single bathroom.

After Bill and I married, and with both of us working, we had more discretionary income than my parents had. But we always looked for bargains. We didn’t know about luxury items for a really long time. We felt they were for rich people and had no real value.

Then, a few things happened.

1. We decided to splurge for our 40^th We were looking to take a cruise but wanted it to be special. My cousin suggested we try Crystal Cruise lines. It turned out they had an exciting itinerary for an 11 day cruise of the Baltics. We asked my cousin if we would feel out of place because we weren’t wealthy like the other passengers. He said that everyone was very nice. So we decided to go for it. What an experience!!! We arrived at the dock with our five pieces of luggage (including carry-on) and five men jumped out and each grabbed one bag and they magically appeared later in our cabin. We went straight through to check in – no line – and they treated us to a sit-down lunch, including free champagne. Service was incredible, always someone there. The excursions (for which we did pay extra) were outstanding. Great guides, small groups, no stopping at gift shops for an hour. There were some really unique (and too expensive for us) optional excursions like a ride in a MIG jet.

We’ve been on other cruise lines. We had to bring the bags on ourselves (they did transport them to the cabin), we stood in line for 30 minutes, and we could go to the buffet for lunch if we wanted. The excursions spent more time at gift shops than anything else. On one trip, we were eating at the buffet when Bill asked for coffee (that had to be served). The server went to the back and brought him a cup of coffee. Bill then asked for some cream. The server went back and got some cream. Then I said, “I would like some coffee too.” We laughed, but it wouldn’t happen on Crystal. Another time, we sat down in the smoking area because it was the only place we could find a seat. We waited a half hour for a glass of wine. Then somebody reached over and grabbed the ashtray off our table. We weren’t smoking, but they didn’t ask, just grabbed it. I never encountered rude people on Crystal.

2. The counter tops in our 45 year old kitchen were really falling apart. We decided to look into replacing them. We stopped at a neighborhood home improvement store, Royal Kitchens and asked how much it would cost. The price range sounded reasonable and we asked for references. The receptionist opened a drawer and said “How many would you like?” We asked for four and she pulled four out and gave us names and phone numbers. We called all four and they all invited us over to see the work. We went to the first two and were just blown away by the raves about the workmanship and integrity. They had major renovations rather than just a counter top. We asked the second one if she would mind telling us how much it had cost. On the way to the third reference we decided we wanted to do the entire kitchen and we had heard enough about this company that we wanted to do it through them. We never got to that third reference.

I have never been so happy or so proud of anything I owned as I was with that kitchen! They tore down everything and started from scratch – new lighting, new plumbing, new appliances, new tile floor, new door, they even created a pass-through to the dining room. The quality of the work was obvious from day one and I never had a problem for the next five years while I continued to live there. Two people looked at our house when we started looking into selling it. They both made offers. Other than the kitchen, the house was just an average house and it had not been fixed up to sell.

3. We bought a Lexus ES 330 in 2004. It was our first luxury car. But Bill had done very well the previous couple of years, and it turned out to cost only $3,000 more than the top-of-the-line Camry. So we decided to buy it.

I still have it. It has 136,000 miles on it and drives like a dream. We drove it cross country last year. An engineer friend and his wife, who are Camry loyalists, had teased us about spending so much when it was exactly the same as their Camry. That is, until we let them drive it. It is different.

I developed an appreciation of “You get what you pay for.”

Flash forward.

Bill and I had discussed going to the Galapagos with Sylvia and Larry a couple of years ago. But Bill didn’t really want to go and so we dropped it. At Bill’s funeral, Sylvia mentioned that she and Larry had never gone because Larry wasn’t really that interested. So why don’t we go? Wow!

We let a few weeks pass and decided we really wanted to do this. Sylvia and Larry had traveled extensively the last few years, mostly with an outfit called Vantage Travel and they loved it. So she was excited that they had a trip that was just what we wanted. I would have preferred a more upscale group. Sylvia enjoys dining out at local chain restaurants, I would like an occasional fancy restaurant. More for the ambiance than the food. I checked out Vantage on the internet and there were quite a few complaints. Not about the trips, but about customer service if something went wrong. But I looked at the price of the Tauk and Lindblad and Colette and decided it was not worth the difference in price. So, I said “Okay, let’s do it with Vantage.” Sylvia set up a 3-way conference call with Curt at Vantage travel. We were discussing dates and prices. The brochure said the airfare from Miami was $699 in June and listed dates of June 10 and June 17. But the internet, and Curt, also had a trip for June 24, at $200 less than those dates. But Curt insisted that the price of airfare for the June 24 trip was $899 because it wasn’t listed in the brochure. I said “Wait! I want more time to think about this!” It really, really bothered me that this could be such a schlock outfit. Sylvia thought I was ready to back out, whereas what I was really doing was reconsidering going with the less expensive group. I was determined to go before I was too old to handle the physical aspects of the trip. So I spent another couple of days, checking out Vantage, and comparing trips and prices. The more upscale trips would be more than double. And this was far from inexpensive.

Here was my conundrum: I was going to spend an awful lot of money for my trip, did I want to go with a group that would likely be missing the quality I had come to appreciate? In the end, I decided the trip was more important to me. But I know I will enjoy it because I made a conscious decision to do it this way and I won’t have any regrets. If I had felt pushed into it I would have risked resenting it.

Facing fear

I arrived in NY Wednesday night. By the time we got to my daughter’s house it was nearing midnight. But I couldn’t go right to sleep, so I read my email.

Surprise! There was a message from my friends that I was going to Europe with. They had sold their house unexpectedly (it was up for sale, but real estate is not selling well in their area right now) and they had to be out by the end of September. They’ve been living in the house for nearly 40 years and there is no way they could go on the trip. They would be nervous wrecks and would not have enough time to pack. Would I consider going in April instead?

I was disappointed, but decided to sleep on it before responding. When I awoke, my feelings about it were crystal clear. I didn’t want to postpone it. I would go by myself! The trip is by motor coach, run by Globus. Bill and I had taken a trip though Asia with Globus for our 25th anniversary. There was no reason I couldn’t go alone. So I emailed Maria back and said I was going anyway! I am thrilled that the decision came so easily because I had expected myself to be scared out of my mind.

I thought back to that trip through Asia. I remember two women, each traveling alone. One was 22, the other was 82. Bill and I were in our 40’s and the rest of the group was in their 60’s or early 70’s. The 22 year old was from Puerto Rico and had a full mouth of silver braces. I remember that because on the Great Wall, Chinese people were stopping her to take her picture. The 82 year old, Jane, was from Australia and used a walking stick. At one point, Bill and I picked a side trip that Jane wanted to do as well, but no one else. The guide would not allow Jane to go because it was too difficult. Bill volunteered that we would take care of her. But the guide rejected that saying it was our vacation and he could not allow us to spend our time taking care of her. That was his responsibility. But if these women could do it, so could I.

Most of the time the activities were group oriented. But there definitely were times Bill and I were off on our own. I remember walking through the streets of Singapore and Hong Kong. In Thailand, we left the group to visit a temple on our own. And there were times when the two of us dined alone. I have dined alone when I traveled on business, but never in a foreign country where I might not be able to understand the menu. I was not sure how I would handle those days. Maybe I could hook up with others, maybe singles, maybe couples. Maybe I would find myself brave enough to go by myself.

And then, what is the worst case? I could sit in the hotel and read a book. And since most of the meals are included, if I skipped a meal now and then, it wouldn’t kill me. I could even bring some protein bars just in case. I didn’t think it was likely, but facing the worst case scenario, and coming up with a way to deal with it, removed the anxiety.

Having just moved after many years in the same house, I suggested they consider having the movers pack the bulk of their belongings. It’s a pain at the other end because you it’s harder to find things. But boy does it save a lot of stress, especially when time is of the essence.

Maria contacted the travel agent. Once they found out the cost of changing their arrangements, they decided not to cancel. I’m glad to have my travel companions back, and glad to have had the chance to know I was confident enough to go on my own.

Loneliness can be liberating.

I had never been on my own. I went to a commuter college – meaning I lived with my parents and took buses to school, just like high school. It’s where I met Bill. By the time I graduated, we were “serious” about each other and although it would be nearly two years until we married, we each lived with our parents until the wedding. We were young. I graduated college at 20, Bill at 19.

My father was the dominant personality in my early life, as was Bill once we married. If I wanted to go out for Italian food, and Bill wanted Sushi, we went to a Sushi restaurant and I ate Chicken Teriyaki. If I wanted to go to a beach on vacation, and he wanted to go driving through national parks, we drove through national parks. It was not worth the nastiness I would have to deal with if I insisted and he had a bad time. We didn’t go if I did NOT want to go. But I rarely got my first choice because he tended to rate things as 1-2, or 9-10 on a scale of 1 to 10 so he either REALLY WANTED IT or REALLY DIDN’T WANT IT. I see most things as 4-5-6 so if he hated my preference, we didn’t go. Whereas I rarely hated his first choice.

This week was busy. My son came in from Illinois so we could go over some financial issues. I am not afraid to make the decisions on my own but I have been warned by everyone I know who has been in this position to not make any major decisions for at least a year. But Bill had a business that has to be addressed. So Ron and I went to a lawyer, recommended by a friend, and to the financial planners we had been using. I say “we”, but Bill had been doing most of the talking previously, although he would not make any major financial decisions without my agreement – however reluctant. So I felt a sounding board that I trusted would be a prudent approach. Ron and I went out for some fun every day when we finished our business, so it wasn’t just going over stuff.

It was special to be alone with my son. He and I are very much alike. It was a bit strange, too. Bill was always the one who want to go places and do things. Ron and I would be content to sit home. But we found ourselves downtown seeing shows and eating out. Maybe it was partially to honor Bill and the activity he brought to our lives. I have said many times that I fell in love with Bill because he made me get out of my easy chair. Now I have to drag myself out. But he taught me how.

Ron and I had a lot of time to talk about Bill and what it was like to live with him. He was extremely kind and helpful to everyone he met. He was funny and almost always left people smiling. But he could also be extremely domineering and opinionated with the family. He saw the world differently than most people and would often march forward on some path that only he could see. And he would get angry if we didn’t follow him. Dealing with him could be challenging. That’s putting it mildly. Many people tell me I am the most reasonable person they know. We balanced each other. I kept him somewhat grounded and he got me to take risks that I would never have taken on my own.

Ron left Friday (July 4) morning and I had a pool party to go to in the afternoon. That was my first epiphany. Bill did not enjoy swimming. He could do it, but didn’t enjoy it. I was a pretty good swimmer when I was young, but since Bill didn’t enjoy it, I rarely had opportunity. And he REALLY didn’t like sitting around making small talk. I do. And the 100 degree temperature would not make it better. Well, that’s what the pool is for. But this was different. I didn’t have to worry about whether he would have a good time. I could go and enjoy myself. And I did.

We had both worked all our lives until very recently. So weekends were “our time.” We didn’t do things separately on weekends. At least, very rarely. And only if the weekend was the only time available for the activity. But they play pickleball here on Saturday. It dawned on me that I could go play today. So I did. It felt strange, but it hit me how much my life had been constricted by Bill’s needs all these years.

I have three trips planned over the next few months. The first is to visit my daughter in New York. Bill would have been with me on that one. Then I will stay with friends on their boat for a few days. Even though they had invited both of us, I’m not sure Bill would have wanted to go. He didn’t like sitting around so I have a feeling committing to be on a boat for a few days might have frightened him. Bill and I had scheduled a trip to Europe for the fall. We were going with long-time friends. Rather than back out of the trip, I am going and really looking forward to it. I can see what I want to see, and not have to worry about getting annoying looks and comments for staying too long at something he wasn’t interested in. And I don’t have to spend a long time doing or seeing something I am not interested in. Yes, I will still have to compromise with my friends’ interests, but Bill had such strong and unique preferences it was harder to get consensus.

I feel lonely and liberated at the same time.